Somewhere along the highway, these tracks must end

As I reflect on the previous month, it seems surreal now. Just like a dream that faded into oblivion when the first rays of light hit it. Sweet dream, from which you really didn't want to wake up, but it was as necessary to wake up as it was to fall into it. As what happened has started to resolve into a series of blurry moments, what still remains is all the great people we met on our journey through Europe and all the great places that we saw.

Now when those moments are behind us, what is left is a void that will eventually pass, but for now I still embrace it as hard as I can, because as numbing as the void can be, it also means that it happened and marked the happening of another dream, which I am deeply grateful about.

I know that now it has happened once and it happening again is all up to ourselves. I also know, that it will not be the same the next time, but all it means is that it'll just be different, maybe even better. This time it was a moment in time for a vanful of people, whose dreams turned into reality and it can happen only once. I feel lucky being able to share that moment, with these particular people I shared it with.

And even if it turns out when my days are numbered thst this had been a once in a lifetime trip, I can still be proud of it and remember that nothing can take that away from us.

As the voices start to fade away and the numbing silence takes over

It's been a while, but like always, I wanted to wait untill I have something real to write. Album's now out from our hands and being mixed, all that is left to do is to wait. All I can say that it's been a ride, for the last year it's been a real rollercoaster of emotions and it's strange to look back at it all. A year ago, around these parts of the year, I was thinking about our band and couldn't see any other outcome than giving it up and walking away from a part of my life that had been a huge part of my very existence for the last decade at that point. The overwhelming negativity and disrespect towards my work that I was doing and had done had taken the best of me and I had lost all my interest and swlf esteem as a musician and as a composer. When for the past few years mostly everything I had ever heard was how our music sucks and all the gigs and work were useless, I eventually started to believe it myself. I don't want to point any fingers, but eventually it was evident that the line up we had, had to change or it would destroy the whole band. At that point I had already started making new songs for another band that I started gathering together. But eventually air cleared out with new lineup and things started to fall into places. Now when I look back at that time, I can't believe how much has changed in one year as we are getting ready to release the new album. Now I am once again proud of what we have done and eager to present the outcome that tops our debut album in every aspect.

So, what's the situation? Instead of rushing the release, we decided to push it back for a little longer, just a month or so, to get it finetuned just the way it should be and to get the best outcome that we can get. It's been almost five years since Metamorphosis and after that much time, we didn't want to release anything that is rushed, instead of something that will make the five year wait worth the while. Things are moving forward. We now have a release date, our single is picked out and album release gig has been booked, which I'll return to later when it's time for it. There are also other exciting things happening and it looks like that this time around there might be chance to do some things that weren't possible the last time around.

This album might be just what we need to help us climb to the next step and I'm eager to see if that happens or not. Hang in there, just a little bit longer, it'll be worth it, I promise

Beyond these faded tracks

This time in 2 weeks we'll be knees deep in studio, getting ready to record drum tracks and the excitement of anticipation is growing each second. The two year long journey into our sophomore album is finally coming to a point where we are actually turning these songs into a proper album. It's been over two years since we planted some vague ideas and watched them slowly turn into music and at the moment I am extremely proud of how they are turning out.

There are some clouds over the horizon tho, since today we found out that the label who we have been talking with for the last two years to put this album and the following 2 albums out is closing down their business. This is definitely a setback, since we had hopes of getting this album out by september/october, which now might be bit far fetched. The good thing is tho, that we will start searching for a label immediately and that as soon as we find one, we will have everything ready for printing and getting thing rolling as soon as we ink the deal, instead of doing it the other way around and starting to book the studio after the deal is inked. This saves time and hopefully the search will be as short as possible.

Feeling confident about it, since the album is so strong that it certainly has all the possibilities

Waiting For Deliverance

"Fading light of the last dying hope withered out in dusk

A faint dream died in silence as my heart cried for escape
Leaving hope for redemption, no salvation was received

Waiting here for deliverance, as the pieces fall further
Let me drift away and disappear, there was no place for me in here

Bury my heart where I buried our memory"

I will heal, as soon as pain allowes me to breathe. The story behind music Part2 Metamorphosis

While The Ghosts Among Me EP painted a picture of a selfdestructive downward spiral of depression, the debut album Metamorphosis on the other hand tells a story of survival. It starts from a point where I've had enough and decided to pull myself together, no matter what it takes. Underneath there's a story that goes on throughout the whole album, in a chronological order connecting the songs together. There's a lot of death / birth allegories, that reflects the death of the old self / depression and birth of a new self and the struggle between them. Also just like the album proceeds in chronological order when it comes to the story, it also is written on traditional Freytag's analysis of dramatic structure; exposition, rising action, development, climax, falling action and dénouement

Before we go any further, a little of bit of introduction is needed here tho, about the way I write lyrics. I've done my share of empty "oh yeah, oh yeah" lyrics on other bands and projects and from the start, or at least from fairly early on, I wanted to keep this band pure, only to do it if I'm in it with all of my heart and even tho this sounds like a worn cliché; if you can't put 100% of your self into it, give out your 100% true emotions and feelings, then how could the listener do that? That is why I sometimes drift into a place, where my soul is visible and I'm standing before everyone as naked, bare and vulnerable as I can. I drift into a place that is buried deep inside and from where it might take a while to get out from. Many of the topics are extremely personal and the more personal they are, the deeper I tend to bury them underneath the obvious text that is on the surface, but if you want to put your time into it, there is usually more layers underneath the surface, that carries out the actual story, or the actual topic. Because of the mentioned  "the more personal they are, the deeper I bury them", there's usually a fair amount of effort given to the burial, for a reason, which is that there are somethings that I want and I NEED to have the right to keep to myself, so forgive me if I won't go to those depths and on this one song particularly I need to keep the story to myself, buried inside, where it will be kept for the rest of my existence.

The Chant (exposition)
I wanted the album to start with a moodsetter that resembles almost like an shamanistic ritual, where the protagonist prays for strength to carry out his journey. A journey that will take his old fragile self to closure and give a steady ground to build the new stronger self. This song is meant to be both and individual song, intro and a prequel to Passage and to reflect the eternal mandatory circular repetition between depression and survival, The Chant and the closure part of Last breath, actually share the same chords, cellos and melody patterns to give it more of a back to beginning feel, when the album ends. So in a way, musically it goes back to start and goes through the same circle again, like the mythical phoenix that is rising from it's ashes.

Passage (rising action)
actually starts with that same Phoenix allegory and continues straight from where The Chant ended. Thematically where The Chant was written about destructing the old self, Passage is about where the protagonist is starting to build yourself over again, like the mythical Phoenix rises from ashes

Zahir (development) 
The name comes from Arabic word "Zahir", which means something that's seen and present, that you can't ignore. Something that starts out as an fleeting thought, but eventually conquers our minds completely.  The referance to "Zahir" comes from a story, not from the actual song. This part lays sort of an background to our protagonist, as we simultaneously proceed with the story. The protagonist realizes that he's had enough and has found "Zahir" from survival and getting back onto his feet again. By doing so he realizes how his decision to survive affect his whole life, like an tidal wave. The song is about depression, forgiveness and a death of someone important. As a song, Zahir was a turning point and key element, when it comes to album, since it was the first song I wrote for the album after I had made the decision that the course of my life has to change, if I am still planning to be among the living after a year. In the end, the protagonist prepares to let go and face the ghosts of past.

The Ghosts Among Me (climax)
To be honest, I never liked this song when it comes to music. I had this vision about dramatic guitar intro that reflects the struggle with the demons of the ghosts past, but it actually ended up sounding just really fucking stupid and cheesy metal chlicé that I usually try to avoid. So all in all, instead of dramatic, the song sounds retarded, except for the breakdown with clarinets, which I still love. We haven't played this live in years, since every time I have to play this, I feel like my head is about to explode from the sickening disgust about what it represents to me; an effort to trying to please the metal audience. We tried to rewrite the song multiple times, but somehow it ended up on the album as it was and even got chosen as a digital single for the EP. The story at this point goes on with many different topics, but the thin red line in all of them is facing the demons and trying to defeat them. The song goes on with self accusations, struggle against depression, a certain someone's struggle against addiction that ended in death and the fear of simply being afraid to confront the demons.

Province (falling action)
This song is something that is so extremely personal, that I want and I need to keep this one to myself, so forgive me for not opening it on other parts that on the story the protagonist is in a turning point, where he has overtaken the victory on the battle between the old self and new self. The story leads the protagonist to water, where he has his final inner struggles, before the old self passes away

Beneath The Waves & Last Breath (dénouement)
Beneath The Waves carries the story from Province to Last Breath. In Beneath The Waves, the protagonist is slowly sinking deeper and deeper under the surface of the lake as his consciousness starts to fade.

On Last Breath the protagonist takes his final breath and passes away, while the new stronger self takes over for good, the metamorphosis is complete and the shift from broken to strong solid self has been done. I wanted to end the album with a bold and defiant statement; that if all this couldn't break me down, then nothing can and I'm still here, still alive

So there you go, a scratch under the surface of Metamorphosis, even tho a shallow scratch, but still something for you chew on and help you figure out the rest ;)

I will heal, as soon as pain allowes me to breathe. The story behind music Part1 The Ghosts Among Me EP

A while ago,  I promised to tell you more about the story behind our debut album, Metamorphosis. As some already know, I was surviving from a severe and selfdestructive depression that had drifted me deeper into abyss, into a state of mind that it had to end before I end up in a place where there's no return. In many ways, what comes to themes, The Ghosts Among Me EP paved the path for the album and originally was intended to be released earlier, but after signing a deal with Symbolic Records, we felt like that it should be done properly and we ended up recording the EP on the same sessions with the album.

Like I said, in many ways the EP paved the way for Metamorphosis. Crib45's music has always been sort of an personal diary of the time and place that I am in at each moment. The Ghosts Among Me EP paints a picture of the destructive phase of my depression. What are the stories behind them? Well, let's start from the EP, since it's a logical place to start to pave the way for the album

As I is pretty much based on the death of someone important and the lyrics in chorus are sort of a mixture of our last conversations and me putting myself into that person's shoes and blaming myself for just standing there and watching, while the other person was metaphorically bleeding. It's sort of my way to remind myself of the guilt I was feeling, for not being able to help someone in need, so that wouldn't happen again.

A Brief Comfort / Beyond The Reach of Repair bundle we had this feeling about from the day it was written, that these two tracks should be kept together, sort of like part 1 & 2, but on the separate tracks. I wish that I would have some sort of story behind this song, like there usually is, but the truth is that if I remember it like it was, these lyrics were pretty much just laid down to unravel the anxiety, pain and despair that I was going through at the time. There's no stories hidden underneath, just feeling miserable

Requiem how ever holds a story and you might have noticed when you read the lyrics, that they are written in an conversational form. In my darkest hours of depression, while constantly thinking about punching the ticket, I started to have these imaginary conversations in my head with Death as in death was a physical entity and this song's lyrics are written from a view of death, as a physical being, luring me to take the last step and telling me the exact words that I would've needed to hear, before taking that step. This song is pretty much where the deepest part of the depression gets embodied. That's why it was such a perfect way to end the EP and leave the door open for Metamorphosis.

Bury my heart, where I buried our memory. The progress, the sound, the lyrics of our upcoming album

It's been a while, but I wanted to wait until there's something tangible to write and I knew that around these parts of the month there would be something. Now I'm happy to tell all three of you (optimistic number) who might be reading this blog, that the next Crib45 album has taken some very serious steps of progress. This week we'll be hopefully setting the tentative schedules for the studio to confirmation, we have also decided on the tracklist, possible even on the order AND also I'm about 6-8 lines short of completion of the lyrics on the whole album. Nice! Like I previously told you, previously for the past decade, in worst cases I've still been writing the lyric in the vocal booth while laying down the vocal tracks and we've been recording the verses in that order which is ready first while I've been still writing on the other ones. Usually the lyrics are ready about 5 minutes before entering the vocal booth.

So now when the album has taken it's form, what will it be like? Dark. Heavy. Rough. Those three more than others and those three things are definitely more evident on this album than on Metamorphosis. We've made some progress when it comes to music and like I previously told you, this album will not have any Ghost Among Me's or Passage's. So in a way it'll be harder to approach, but it still will have it's softer and easier moments. Vocal harmonies has increased, not in the most typical common way tho, but they are more on the background as instrumental choirs instead of in your face lyrical layered vocal leads. We debuted majority of our album earlier this month at our gig in Club Semifinal and sadly because of the messed up schedules, we had to give on the last song and cut the evening short. What's there to say, except that the audience seemed to welcome the new songs with open arms and after the show all the people who came to talk seemed to have only good things to say, which naturally is nice and heart warming to hear after stressing about how will you guys who like our music receive it. So far, so good, but let's hope that we don't fuck things up in the studio, but I'm sure that we won't since right now we are stronger than ever and our current lineup is filled with so many absolutely talented musicians, that I feel humbled and thankful to have a chance to make music and perform gigs with such lineup. I would say that absolutely love every single person in this lineup, but I don't want everybody to get too proud of themselves, even tho I absolutely do :D

The lyrical themes are going through pessimistic disappointment in mankind, who seems to be drifting towards devolution and dark age of humanity. Other half of the album is going through some of the most personal things I have ever written, about deaths and losses of some of the important people in my life, about regret and search for deliverance. About entering a state where you have lost the ability to see forwards and you can't look backwards without encountering what you and everything else might have been. Fun stuff...

So, what does the schedules and tentative tracklists look like?

We will be hitting the studio a bit over two months from now, in May and we will be locked in there preliminary for a month, including the mixing and such. Hopefully we'll get it mastered as soon as possible, in June and as soon as we figure out who will be releasing it we'll get out for you guy, hopefully around August/September. All this is still a preliminary plan and not confirmed in any way. We try to get the actual studiodates locked down this week, after that we know better. Also the tentative tracklist will look like this:

1. Gathering The Storms
2. Catharsis
3. Waiting For Deliverance
4. Marching Through The Borderlines
5. Towards Perdition
6. Fading Hope
7. Into The Abyss
8. Clearing The Eye
9. Transcending

Album artwork is well on it's way and I'm pretty stoked about that one too, since once again it'll be something unusual and looked as a piece of art.

I have to say that I am in extremely good mood about this album, it will something that I will be extremely proud about when it's finished. Hopefully you will be too...